The Hurt I Refused To Feel

I came to the United States in September 2016 for school and for some reason or another I still haven’t gone home yet to see my family. Why is that? Every time I take a few minutes to actually gather my thoughts and pretend that I am okay, I am hit with the fact that I miss them and it hurts. It hurts I am scared to go home next summer, like I plan on doing, because my toddler sister won’t remember and I hate to go home and realize that I am not the same girl that I was when I just left home. I feel like something is broken. I called them everyday but these are the people I care about the most in the world and yet I am scared of seeing them, I am scared of feeling for them, I am scared of hurting or missing them all over again like the day when I first set foot in an airplane to get here. I don’t want to have to go through that again. Shouldn’t it all be worth it though??? I am 23 years old and I am scared of loving because for some reason I feel like it hurts more than anything when it isn’t reciprocated.

What is it about people that makes me either feel so attached to them and want to show them my whole heart or run like hell? why can’t I be like some people who just don’t care much for feelings. I walk with my heart on my sleeves and my anger in my arms. It is like I can’t separate one emotions from the other. I need to see my family. Maybe I won’t be so messed up anymore. My boyfriend is my life you know. I don’t know if he knows this but I feel like if he ever hurt me then my whole soul would die. I live to see him smile. We met since I came here for school. He has been my best friend since the day we met. He had such joy when he smiled at me, he would light up any room, plus he is hella Cute  🙂 and off limits. We met through some friends I have here at school. We were in the same friend group for half of a semester without knowing. We met when were actually introduced by our friends we realized that I was the day-walker and he was the night-walker kinda friend and that was why we never met until we did. My friends and my boyfriend are the only things that kept me from going crazy in a foreign country. I am afraid to feel because when I actually do feel, It hurts more than anything in this whole world.

Anyways, this is just a run through of how I am feeling right now and a little tip of the ice about me. Next time I will give my story in a time line so you can fully know me. Until then. “Have a Very Nelly day” 🙂